Back To Blogging

I've missed blogging.  For so many years it was a source of release for me, a way to sort out all the emotions and get them out.  It was also a record, a way for me to remember.  I saw that I looked back last summer and reread all the posts.  All I have to do is look at the old blog and it actually causes physical pain.  My heart breaks just to see the graphics.  My world was filled with so much pain back then.  Is it any wonder that I couldn't control the cutting? 

Life is better.  Especially compared to what it was back then.  My love and I somehow manage to work everything out.  I will find myself getting upset or mad or hurt, and I make up my mind that I am not going to talk to him.  It never works.  I can never stay mad/upset/hurt.

I've been off work for about 2 months, staying home with the babies.  I decided today that I have to go back to work for financial reasons and it just about breaks my heart.  As crazy as two toddlers make me, I am actually mourning not being able to curl up with them in the bed and love on them as they fall asleep.  Its my time with them... my bonding time.  That will be gone.  I've said that I want to go back to work full time, and part of me really does.  Most of me really doesn't.  I would never tell CK that.  He would feel guilty.  I can't allow that to happen.  I love him too much for that.

I'm just sad and weepy tonight. I guess I'm allowed to act like a girl every once in a while.  It bugs the crap out of me, making me feel vulnerable.  Lord knows I hate that.

Stupid chick flick.  They should be illegal.

History

I just spent the last couple of hours re-reading my private blogs from 2006 and 2007. Wow. That was some drama right there. There was a lot of pain back then. The kind of emotional pain that immobilizes you. That makes you want to curl up in a ball and cry and wish the world would leave you alone. It was sad seeing the end of a relationship and all the pain and grief that went with it. It was nice to see the beginning of my relationship with my soul mate. To relive all of it, even the painful parts.

It makes me appreciate that I was blessed with something I never thought I could have. I wish he was here right now...

Fear and Questions

I'm scared. I'm scared of losing him. I'm afraid that I will turn around and he will be gone... that the love of my life will walk away from me and our life. It's not necessarily a rational fear, but I just can't shake it.

Life has been more difficult since we have started working different shifts. We spend very little time together during the week, about an hour a day. He gets very little sleep. He chases little girl around all day, and is understandably exhausted. I'm defensive. He's snappy. We pick at each other more. We still haven't figured out exactly how to fight yet, and frankly, we suck at it. I cry. A lot. Usually when I am alone in the hours after little girl goes to bed.

Tonight I read the blog that I kept a while ago. It talked about him and everything that he meant to me. It made me cry, remembering... reliving... He woke up and came into the room. I cried and hugged him. He didn't ask why I was crying. Part of me wonders if he cares... part of me thinks that perhaps he thinks he shouldn't ask... that I don't want him to ask.

I wonder if he is still in love with me. If he regrets the decisions that he made. I wonder if he misses me as much as I miss him. I wonder if he still finds me attractive... or repulsive. Is it me? Am I doomed? Have I screwed this up somehow? Can I fix it? Does he want to fix it? How do I fix it?

Is it that we are on different shifts? Is it the lack of sleep? If he comes to swing can it get better? Will it get better?

Please God, don't let me lose him.