Fear and Questions

I'm scared. I'm scared of losing him. I'm afraid that I will turn around and he will be gone... that the love of my life will walk away from me and our life. It's not necessarily a rational fear, but I just can't shake it.

Life has been more difficult since we have started working different shifts. We spend very little time together during the week, about an hour a day. He gets very little sleep. He chases little girl around all day, and is understandably exhausted. I'm defensive. He's snappy. We pick at each other more. We still haven't figured out exactly how to fight yet, and frankly, we suck at it. I cry. A lot. Usually when I am alone in the hours after little girl goes to bed.

Tonight I read the blog that I kept a while ago. It talked about him and everything that he meant to me. It made me cry, remembering... reliving... He woke up and came into the room. I cried and hugged him. He didn't ask why I was crying. Part of me wonders if he cares... part of me thinks that perhaps he thinks he shouldn't ask... that I don't want him to ask.

I wonder if he is still in love with me. If he regrets the decisions that he made. I wonder if he misses me as much as I miss him. I wonder if he still finds me attractive... or repulsive. Is it me? Am I doomed? Have I screwed this up somehow? Can I fix it? Does he want to fix it? How do I fix it?

Is it that we are on different shifts? Is it the lack of sleep? If he comes to swing can it get better? Will it get better?

Please God, don't let me lose him.