I've missed blogging. For so many years it was a source of release for me, a way to sort out all the emotions and get them out. It was also a record, a way for me to remember. I saw that I looked back last summer and reread all the posts. All I have to do is look at the old blog and it actually causes physical pain. My heart breaks just to see the graphics. My world was filled with so much pain back then. Is it any wonder that I couldn't control the cutting?
Life is better. Especially compared to what it was back then. My love and I somehow manage to work everything out. I will find myself getting upset or mad or hurt, and I make up my mind that I am not going to talk to him. It never works. I can never stay mad/upset/hurt.
I've been off work for about 2 months, staying home with the babies. I decided today that I have to go back to work for financial reasons and it just about breaks my heart. As crazy as two toddlers make me, I am actually mourning not being able to curl up with them in the bed and love on them as they fall asleep. Its my time with them... my bonding time. That will be gone. I've said that I want to go back to work full time, and part of me really does. Most of me really doesn't. I would never tell CK that. He would feel guilty. I can't allow that to happen. I love him too much for that.
I'm just sad and weepy tonight. I guess I'm allowed to act like a girl every once in a while. It bugs the crap out of me, making me feel vulnerable. Lord knows I hate that.
Stupid chick flick. They should be illegal.
